A Treatise on Life

I won't deny how I feel about myself -- I find myself physically unattractive, despite exercise and weight loss. I do not seem to attract partners of either gender, male or female. And yes, I confess, it is true -- I am a 32/30. The tag on my jeans doesn't lie. How unfortunate for fatty Eric. I went to the mall yesterday, looked in the mirror, and just detested what I saw. No one will ever get me to think otherwise. In all honesty, I feel disgusting in every way imaginable. Here are some things about myself that everyone should know

I have a difficult time going out. I have begun to despise clubs because there is seemingly no benefit relative to the burden of putting together a fraudulent persona just to hook up with someone. And, despite TRYING, I can never look the way I WANT to look. I have no money to spend on clothes. I'm the one that stands alone without anyone to talk to, to dance with (unless of course your names are Esther and Hannah Siegel). I can't drink alcohol (legally) . . . . There is nothing behind these hazel eyes, because I don't have hazel eyes. My eyes are light blue. I don't have dark hair or a tan. I'm not tall. I can't play golf or tennis or polo, or sing a solo....

As open minded as I claim to be, heterosexuality just was not an option for me, plain and simple. I have tried hetero-sex. Doesn't do it for me. And it was never an option since I didn't choose what my urges really are. I am thus stuck in the shitty, unfortunate, and much degraded existence that is the solitary life of an unattractive twenty-year old homosexual. I cannot (have not) stay(ed) in most relationships for longer than a week or two. At which point, they tend to crumble into an empty void in a matter or seconds, much like the Twin Towers did.

The Story of my Life: Someone always either 1) breaks up with me, citing some physically unattractive "flaw," or 2) some other person captures their interest and steals their heart better than I ever could -- distracts them away from me. No matter what, I am heartbroken, always. I have, I guess unfortunately, learned how to cope. I "get over" heartaches within a day or so. The exception to the norm is when someone is rude or hostile, which takes, for me, a longer time to get over.

But since my one or two day period IS the norm, the norm doesn't necessarily bother me as much as it did in the past (when I was a complete trainweck/psychotic basket-case and otherwise vengeful bat out of hell.) BUt that is not me anymore.

Since I have more control now, I manage to maintain close connections and friendships with many of the people from my sexual / relationship past. I feel somewhat different from the stereotypical type that shuns their ex-relationships or ex-potential-relationships (aka WISHFUL thinking / only-so-slightly beyond the grasp of 'logistical' reality). You never know when a flame might kindle, rekindle -- when something may redevlelop, possibly years down the road. One of life's lessons is never to burn one's bridges, because you may need to cross them in the future. And to always have faith...

As optimistic as my hopes are for certain people in my past and present that maintain any potential, I have heard all of the most clever and ridiculous excuses in the book. But, there is only ONE reason (note, it is not an excuse) that I am prepared to fully prepared to accept: to preserve what already exists as a meaningful friendship.

As it is, however, given my relationship history, I must come to this conclusion: Very simply put, the world just doesn't seem ready for any form of committment. Perhaps in 5 or 6 years, the WORLD might be ready, and perhaps might want to call me back. I will be there.

Rephrased:

Will I be there?